WARNING: This post ended up being wayyyy longer than intended. I guess I needed to get this all off my chest... So here's my story.
Katie brought it to my attention that I have been horrible at blogging since... Last September.
A few things have happened that may have effected that. September was when Chris and I found out were we expecting - and I had HORRIBLE morning sickness that lasted all day. I was feeling super miserable and tired. Then, in December I started to feel better... But like there might have been something wrong with the baby... Like I felt like it should have been bigger than what it was. Everyone kept telling me I was worrying. We had the weirdest experience at an ultrasound we went to in Arizona when we were in town for Christmas... Made me start worrying more. Then I started spotting.
January was when we found out I miscarried.
... Radio silence.
That whole experience was one I pray to not have to go through again. I feel like miscarrying a child is something people just don't want to talk about... And when you are going through it, you feel so alone.
We were told you no longer have what they call a "viable pregnancy". The fact that they sent me home to decide what to do next... Mourning the death of our child, knowing the child is still in me... Knowing something has to happen and not wanting to decide how it happens. I made the mistake if googling what a 16 - 18 week fetus looks like.... Don't do this. I will forever have that picture burned in my mind and I wish I didn't. I decided I didn't want to miscarry the baby at home... In the toilet or however else you do it. I didn't want to think of all the logistics. We made the appointment for the D&C but it wouldn't happen for a few days. My mom ad Katie came to town to help me emotionally and physically deal with everything that was happening. By this time I was feeling contractions. My body was trying to do it all in its own.
What seemed like a week later (it was actually a day or 2) we went to the hospital to have my surgery. It all went fine. They said if you bleed through a pad an hour come back.
Well... I wasn't sure how much blood was too much blood. I took a nap and woke up to have bled through my pants. I made see to sit with a towel under me just incase. I started to feel like I was getting weak. That's when my mom and Katie decided that it might be too much blood. We go back to the hospital (the ER) and I quickly get seen. Chris was in the room with me when they decided to do a vaginal exam. I had to stand up (this was the first time Chris told me he realized how much I was really bleeding) and blood just dripped to the floor. The ER doc said that there was really more blood than e was comfortable with. That's when they sent me for an ultrasound.
They had to call in people from the OB/GYN team I treat me (the hospital was like a ghost town this late at night and on the weekend). I was laying in the ultrasound room - and I noticed my right side hurting every time they put the wand on a certain place. That's when the surgeon walked in. She saw it immediately. During the D&C they didn't scrape everything off my uterus. Apparently this is a very common outcome - which I was never told about. They rushed my back into emergency surgery for a second D&C in a 24 hour time frame. I was relieved to know what was going on... But that's when everything started to sink in...
I had lost a lot of blood - to the point were I may need a blood transfusion. I had eaten in the last 6 hours so they were going to intibate me for this surgery ( to prevent me from swallowing my tongue or aspirating). When I was in pre-op, Katie,Chris and my mom were all there with me... That's when the doctor mentioned that if she couldn't stop the bleeding that she was going to save my life by removing my uterus. THIS THOUGHT NEVER ENTERED MY MIND!
Well I think that comment thoroughly freaked my family out. Before they whisked me away, we all held hands ad the surgeon said a prayer. This made us all feel a little better.
The second surgery went fine. They did an ultrasound in surgery to make sure they got everything this time. (I don't know why they don't do this every time... To prevent this whole thing from happening in the first place but I'm sure hospital politics come into play.)
I came out of surgery feeling weird, all loopy from the drugs. The doctors let us know that they were going to have me stay overnight for observation. I was fine with that because I was soooooooo tired. Not that you get much sleep in the hospital because thy come in every hour or so to check your vitals and such. Also because i lot so much blood they wantrd to make sure my pulse was so as well as my fluids. did i mention that they had to poke me a ton of time because my veins are so hard to find?! My mom ad Chris went home for a bit to take a nap an check on the dogs. (Did I mention all this happened on base? Meaning that you have to be accompanied by someone with a valid military ID in order to et on base - hence why my mom and Chris went home and not my mom and sister). Katie stayed with me all night. I asked if they could bring in one of those chairs that fold out into a bed... They didn't have one so they brought in a reclining chair. Katie is a superstar to stay with me. She was my own personal care aid. I was feeling so horrible during this whole ordeal I really lost all modesty (thanks Katie so seriously helping me deal with everything at my lowest point! I know it all wasn't pretty and I really appreciate everything you did for me!) they discharged me around 10am the following morning. Chris and my mom came to get us and I was so relieved to see them! I was told I needed to make a post op appointment in 2 or 3 weeks to make sure I was doing ok - emotionally and physically ad to recheck my blood levels. They put me in a ton daily meds to include iron supplements (to help me et my blood level back on track) and the stool softeners to help with the side effects from the iron! (Eww!) They said I was going to need to take these pills for 3 months.
I would have to say this was one of the mot unexpected experiences of my life. I don't think I really knew how serious the situation was until after it was all over. I kind of think it was a blessing in disguise to help me deal with the lose of our baby (to put things in perspective). I also feel like I am now finding out how many women miscarry a keep it all the themselves! I really didn't know how common all of this (not the double d&c) is and how NO ONE talks about it. Or maybe you don't see it all until it happens to you. A week or so after -Katie sends me a text saying "i saw an article that siad Beyonce miscarried."
I am so thankful to have so many supportive people in my life. All the prayers. All the cards and flowers we got in the mail. Everyone who helped us grieve. I gotten a few books about "trying after miscarriage." I know that I am not far enough removed to be able to go through all the baby gifts we got over Christmas - all the cards, maternity cloths, diapers.. Worst of all is the pregnancy diary I was filling out... Do I keep it?
What I have learned... Life is short and can throw you curve balls. I NEVER thought I would miscarry. I need to trust myself - I had a feeling there was something wrong or not quite right. I have fears that I will not be able to carry a baby to term. I fear not being able to even get pregnant again. I am afraid I am going to miscarry again. I worry about disappointing my husband, my family. Worrying is not going to help anything... But I feel like it is always in the back I my mind.
So maybe this is why I haven't been blogging... I feel like it is hard for people to be supportive. I think it's probably awkward for people to show support because they don't want to remind me of everything. I feel kind of like it was all a dream - that one day I was pregnant - and the next day it was all over. And all around me there are plenty of pregnant women with their cute baby bumps, newborn babies, cute toddlers.
I was 18 weeks when I found out. I was almost halfway trough my pregnancy.... I felt like I was in the safe zone of my pregnancy. After 12 weeks - you should be in the clear! We waited the right amount if time to tell people.
I want to share my life again. I want to keep you all informed. So that was my experience.
Thank you all for understanding.
