June 10th 2013

Today was my due date.  I am reflecting a lot today. On everything that has happened over the past year...

I heard a quote from a show I have been watching... "You take the sweet with the sour"

I'm ready for my sweet now.  Trying to keep a positive perspective. They have been saying at work lately that I have such a positive outlook, so I will try to keep that in mind..

Trying to stay "bright and shinny" on this rainy day.

Thank you all for the support you have given to us through all of this.

The start of my garden

So I decided I wanted to try my hand at gardening with plans you can actually EAT!

We started out with a mint plant. Now - I have no idea what you cook with mint but it smelled so good I decided it get a mint plant to keep in the yard because it did smell so good. Virginia seemed to agree with me because once I got it potted, she would go out back and just stick her nose in it :) too cute of her!

Next came the tomato plant.  I asked Chris to get me a tomato plant when he went to HomeDepot one day for something else. I love tomatoes and I figured that having a plant in the yard could potentially save me from having to buy them at the store!

Then came the green onions. I bought some of the other day when I was making my mom's famous macaroni salad. I had no intention of them other than using them in the recipe but then I remembered.. I had read somewhere that you could plant use ends of cut green onions and that they would grow!

So I decided to try it out.  They started inside on the counter as a nice decoration... But I ended up putting them outside a thy seem to be doing much better!

I know my Grandpa Clyde would be proud! Maybe I should try radishes next. He always had the best radishes!

Miss you Grandpa!

Lazy Play Time

Georgia laying there with a rope in her mouth as Virginia tugs away :)

This entertains me more than it should!

First thing Tuesday morning

I had my follow up appointment early on Tuesday morning. 

I went and got my blood drawn. Last Wednesday my levels were at 2520... I got my results later Tuesday and it went down to 147...

I ended up going over to Women's Health once I was done at the lab were I was to see a doctor and get an ultrasound.

The doctor I ended up seeing had No bedside manners at all!!! She basically made me feel like it was all my fault that we miscarried.

She said that many women have multiple miscarriages in a row due to getting pregnant too soon.

This statement bothers me because no one ever mentioned that to us as a fear when we decide to try months are we miscarried in January. I had assumed that it would have been harder to become pregnant- not that my chances of miscarriage would be higher.  The fact that this woman didn't seem to have any sympathy or empathy for what I was going through...  I was just another case... 

I don't know...

I feel like I am finally getting used to the idea of everything that has happened  in the past few months. 

It's crazy to think that my baby would be making his/her appearance into this world in about a month. June 9th was my due date...

I pray often that God will give me the chance to carry a child to term.  I wonder why me... Why twice.  I have thought a lot about how I would go through the worst morning sickness, pregnancy induced kidney stones, carpal tunnel, back pain... Anything to be able to hold a child in my arms.  I know God has a plan. Maybe it isn't in the plan to carry a child naturally but I feel like I am meant to be a mother - to care for a child. 

I have decided that I will not give up hope. I have faith. 

I know that reading all this is probably depressing. I feel like this is the sort of thing that other people don't talk about.

Fertility doesn't always come easy and I don't want anyone else to feel like they are alone in this - like I have.

The view from up here

Thought I would share something a little less depressing - my fur babies :)

 

After I had been taking pictures of Higgs the girls were just staring at me wondering what in the world I was doing!

Notice all the toys they had pulled out :)

Threatened miscarriage

April 20th 2013 was the day I took the test that had 2 pink little lines! I was pregnant again! I had taken a test a week earlier after being a week late and it was negative. 2 weeks late and the test turned positive before it had even been 5 seconds! I yelled to Chris who had pretty much jut gone to bed (he is working nights 7pm to 7am so we are on completely opposite schedules). His reaction "congratulations a high five!"

Obviously not quite the appropriate reaction to finding out we were going to have a baby. :) but I loved his reaction all the same.

I had been to the doctor for a standard medication refill appointment when I mentioned to my nurse Practitioner that I thought I was pregnant. She said that we policy they weren't allowed to issue me a pregnancy test there until the end of the week so she gave me all the instructions for what to do when I would to come back if I did have a positive pregnancy test.

So 2 days after my birthday my baby wish came true again.

I immediately texted Katie and my parents with a picture of the test. I was trilled that this could happen again!

Miscarriage in January and pregnant again by April! I jut just thrilled and so excited that the nightmare that had happened a few short months ago was over and worth it all because I had a new baby to dream about.

I started the process of getting a referral back to Women's Health so that I could see an OB/GYN. I ha to go get paperwork filled out and take urinalysis so they could confirm I was under pregnant.

I had transferred to my new job at the end if December and all the the stuff in January happened with needing to take time off for the surgeries a such... My new department was very aware of what was going on with me. They shared my pain in what happened and knew I was eager to become pregnant again. Since I was needing to take time off to go all the way to base to be seen they had an idea if hat was going on...

They were so excited for me! They knew I was only a few weeks and didn't want anyone to know so they tried to keep it between us.

It all started last Wednesday. The day before we were headed to New York to spend the weekend visiting Katie and Cupcake....

I started spotting and immediately called the Hospital. It had only been 7 weeks since the first day of my last period... This was not good. It reminded me of how it all started last time. I spoke to one of the nurses and she told me to go to the ER if I was worried. 7 weeks... Would thy even be able to see anything at that point? What would they be able to tell us.

There was NO way this could happened to us 2 times in a row. I was positive it could not. Would not....

I went to the ER with Chris that evening and we were seen pretty fast. I was taken straight back for an ultrasound since the on call tech happened to be there and was on his way out.

It is always nerve wracking having an ultrasound when you think there is something wrong and not being able to see the screen. Not knowing what the tech is so intently looking at...

We got taken back to the ER and we waited in the same room as last time... When I was hemorrhaging from the D & C a few short months ago.

The nurse came in and tried to take my blood - which as usual - he had a hard time and ga to put an IV into hand... Drew my blood and we waited longer... Awhile later the doctor came in and told me my HCG ( the pregnancy hormone) seemed low for 7 weeks and that it was just a waiting game to see what happens next. He said I was having a threatened miscarriage.

I knew that was a nice way of saying what was going on...

So we were told to wait t out. We decided to go to NY still as we planned to see my sister. They said that if i were to miscarry there wouldn't be anything I could do to change the outcome so we might as well go.

I talked it over with my dad and he said if I were to miscarry thy this time it would be more like a heavy period since the baby wasn't as developed. ( in January I miscarried at 18 weeks.) I decided to be prepared for the "heavy period" and try to enjoy our trip and it would be a good excuse to try to forget about what was going on inside my body.

(I will blog about the trip in another unrelated post).


So... As if now i go back to the doctor tomorrow for my HCG levels and an ultrasound but it is most likely I miscarried.

I just can't wrapt mind around how this happened twice. Why God keeps letting this happen to us. All day long I see infants, toddlers... Why are they here and my child - children - are not.

I know everyone has their own struggle. Maybe it is getting pregnant. I know I w lucky cause at least I know it is possible. I have a mostly healthy history - no major issues health wise.

I know I need to count my blessings but this is where I am now. Just wanted to share because honestly, these are the things most people don't talk about...

The BIG 29

Pictures from my birthday this year. Vickie decorated my cube at work, got me flowers, her boys drew me pictures, she also did the birthday celebration with my favorite - cotton candy Rita's and funfetti cupcakes.

Lastly, Chris got me a new necklace from Tiffany's. love it.

Thanks to everyone for making my birthday special with cards (from far away!) and messages! I love you all!!!